Today was yet another sign of blessing.
I went running from my parents’ house to Amazon Park to do pullups and pushups. While I was doing pullups, an old man walked close to me on the path leading out of the park. Inexplicably, I smiled at him instead of ignoring him like I would most people at the park. He smiled back and walked up to me. He started talking: “Have you heard the message from God?”
I thought…oh great…what have I gotten myself into? I started thinking up ways to get out of talking with the guy. He went on, “God loved the world so much…he wanted to save the good people of the world, so he sent a letter to 5% of the people in the world, since the rest were bad people. Do you know what that letter said?”
I replied cautiously, “No…” (more…)
A week of being a college graduate, and I am not doing so well. I’ll be perfectly honest, I’m kind of lonely. It’s not because I don’t have friends around. Some of my friends have stuck around and it’s made the transition easier. What’s making me lonely is the lack of hustling and bustling on campus. It’s the lack of random people on the street that I know. It’s from not having the attention that I’m used to having.
I’ve noticed that as I’ve grown up these last few years, I’ve gone from having many friends and acquaintances to a solid group of a few friends. I’ve always wanted that, and I’m eternally grateful that I’ve found a group like that. As I grew closer and closer to those friends, I wanted to hang out with other people less and less. Furthermore, I have become averse to meeting new people in social situations (although I have no qualms with meeting people in awkward or unusual situations). I’ve grown weary of small talk and introductions, and so the network of people that I know has slowly shrunk. I still know a lot of people, but I hold them at a further distance than I might have before.
This has always been the direction I wanted to go in for a long time. Closer friends, less shallow acquaintances or annoying half-friends. But with the end of my undergraduate career and the departure of many friends from Eugene, I’ve suddenly realized how much I’ve taken those acquaintances for granted. I liked knowing a lot of people on campus, but I didn’t think lacking that would make me lonely. And I thrived on that external energy more than I thought I did. Maybe I have forgotten how to be alone and contemplate.
I guess it’s that in the last four years, I made a lot of connections. I met a lot of people, and while few of them became close friends of mine, at some level, all of the people I met were still friends. And those acquaintances were more meaningful than I gave them credit for. While I always strived to have a small, tight-knit group of friends, having a wide base of shallower friends helped me become more confident and outgoing. It was a good feeling to know people and be known on campus. The same goes for professors and staff members on campus…in other words, I feel like on campus, I was a somebody. I was a person that people knew and respected and that identity was self-cultivated. I don’t think I will approach my future environments and circumstances any differently. I am sure I will be able to connect with people and network and make something of myself in the Navy, I have no doubts about that. But it doesn’t stop me from being sad thinking about leaving the University and the legacy, however small, that I created for myself on campus.
Blue Pool of Solitude – Canon EOS Rebel XTi with 17mm f/4.0 at ISO 200
Filed under: School
Today marks the second to last day of classes for me as an Undergraduate student. I had my last classes in Roman Empire and Experimental Economics, two of my favorite classes in all four years of my undergraduate education. It would be an understatement to say that I felt a little sentimental about the end of those classes, and about the end of my college career (for now). These last four years have been marked with personal development and growth, the discovery of amazing friends, and a genuine optimism about my life. Those achievements and traits won’t end here, but I can’t help but feel…nostalgic about this chapter of my life coming to an end.
In Roman Empire, this last day, we discussed the rise of Christianity in the world in the face of the decline of the Roman Empire. We looked at the legacy that Rome left behind, namely, its legal system. Many of the achievements of the Roman Republic and Empire were unprecedented for their time, and mimicked by both the founders of the French Republic and our own Federal Republic, the United States of America. As I have said many times, the parallels between Rome and our own nation are infinite and very evident. Most interestingly, our legal and governmental system is completely based on the Roman model. We looked at Roman laws, and found an American equivalent for just about every one. Of all the ways that my professor, John Nicols, could have ended the course, I think this was the best. It was sentimental and sad for me to think of the Roman Empire coming to end (although it already collapsed a millenium and a half ago) as I had grown really attached to it over the last 6 months. But the way our class ended was also forward looking. Essentially, the remnants of the Empire would remain undiscovered until after Europe started to re-emerge from the Middle Ages. Eventually, through the Industrial Revolution and the modern period, the founders of modern democracies studied ancient Rome and realized, “Wow, there used to be a society that was far more civilized and developed than us.” This reclamation of the values of the Roman Republic and Empire have led us to the great nation and society that we enjoy today.
In Experiment Economics, my professor looked at models for risk-taking behavior. Then he ended with modeling gender equality. The anecdote was Larry Summer’s termination as the President of Harvard for saying that women are not as good at science. We looked at the distributions of IQ scores based on gender, which both shared the same mean (Men and women are equally smart on average) but had different distribution shapes. We also looked at an experiment that demonstrated that men, on average, are more competitive than women, and tend to compete for jobs that they might not be qualified for. The implication is that there are qualified women that are not getting a chance to compete for jobs that they should be, because men that are underqualified are crowding them out. In a very simplified model, it was actually demonstrated that a form of affirmative action actually increased efficiency in terms of qualifications being matched to equally demanding jobs. This is completely contrary to what most economists think and argue, and goes against many principles of economic models. Professor Harbaugh concluded the lecture by saying, “The take from all of this, and this entire class, is that you don’t know anything. Don’t believe anything for sure.” Somehow, I felt like in the last four years, I had come a full circle. I entered the University knowing nothing, and I left being told that I knew nothing still, only 15 lbs heavier and $24,000 poorer.
These last few days, I’ve been busy writing and sending graduation announcements. I wasn’t planning on doing announcements, but I changed my mind at the last minute. I wasn’t soliciting gifts, but I did want to tell some people how important they were to me.
In any case, I went by my old high school to drop off a few announcements with old teachers. The first shock was how everything was the exact same. The lockers, the floors, doors, classrooms, and the colors, nothing had changed. I walked in there like I knew the place, and the same security guy nodded at me as if he recognized me. The only thing different were the kids…who seemed somewhat smaller.
Most of my teachers were in class, and so I had to drop them off at their offices. When I went to the Math Office, I had my second shock. A single teacher was in there, and as I walked in, she gave me the harshest interrogative look I have received in a long time. She asked condescendingly, “What do you need?” My defenses instantly went up, and my expression changed from quizzical to assertive. I replied that I was dropping off a graduation announcement, and she skeptically inquired about it, as if I were conspiring to leave an anthrax-laced envelope on my teacher’s desk. After verbally wrestling with her briefly, I dropped the letter off and stormed out.
The interesting thing is that when we move on from high school to college and so on, we are supposed to become more mature. We are supposed to be treated as such, as well. The implication is that high schools are not as mature, and need to be treated somewhat like children because they haven’t developed reason and restraint, blah blah. For the most part, I consider myself a mature person…but when faced with a condescending and patronizing voice, my immediate reaction was not dissimilar with that of high schoolers: defensive indignance. That got me thinking: Yes, maybe high schoolers and middle schoolers are young and immature, which can explain their angry outbursts and attitude problems. But maybe adults encourage it by being condescending, patronizing, and dismissive of them. In fact, now, I am absolutely sure of it. Talking to anybody in a condescending manner is sure to evoke a defensive reaction, whether teenager or adult.
When I walk down the street and see people going from place to place, sitting, relaxing, talking, smiling, and frowning, I feel like I am taking a little snapshot of their lives. It’s taken completely out of context, as I don’t see the situation before and after my glimpse, unless I dig deeper.
That is how my relationships with people are in general. With friends, it’s a more continuous snapshot, almost like a movie while our paths run together in life. With some of my less consistent friends, the frequency of the snapshots fluctuates. I’ll miss some of the things that happened in between the snapshots, and I’ll have to fill in the blanks…that’s why I love catching up with old friends. Although it isn’t the same as sharing our lives, it’s cool to draw some connections between snapshots.
Lately, this has been happening a lot. I’ve seen a lot of old acquaintances from high school, and instead of brushing them off like I normally do, I’ve tried to strike up a conversation with them. It’s fascinating to see how much we’ve changed and how much we’re the same from 4 years ago. I’ve also been bumping into old friends from Freshman and Sophomore year, the time before I met Bryan, Adelle, David, and Esh. Some I had kept occasional contact with, but most of them I hadn’t, and I’d even had falling outs with some. This time around, I had a little more grace and didn’t hold grudges or act judgmental like I normally do. Some of them, like Yunah, were people I had met once or twice years ago, and suddenly for a couple weeks, they stormed through my life like a tornado. The cool thing for me was that when I knew them a few years ago, I considered myself a little kid and acted as such. While I was accepted by those old friends, I was always the ‘kid’. This time around, I felt at least as mature as my old friends, if not more mature. I can’t think of a better benchmark to illustrate personal development and growth. It was like taking snapshots again, but this time, with a different lens.
“So, I heard you are going to Officer Candidate School after college,” a classmate from swimming said to me the other day.
“Yeah,” I replied, “this summer.”
“That’s an honorable thing. Very honorable. My dad was in the Navy. You should be proud of yourself,” he said.
I didn’t think much of what my classmate said to me. I’ve become fairly cordial towards all the types of comments I get about me joining the Navy, whether negative or positive. But the next class, somehow, I felt compellig to find out more about him and his father’s service.
“So, you were in the service, then?” I asked next time I saw him.
“No, just my dad. He was in the Navy for many years.”
“Oh, how did he like it?”
“He fucking hated it. He served in Vietnam and had a miserable time there. He convinced me from joining.”
I found that fascinating. My classmate, knowing what his father’s experience in the military had been like, still complimented me on my decision to serve. He called it honorable and something to be proud of, with the knowledge that his father had hated the experience. I think his dad must have felt that way, simultaneously bitter and proud of his service time.
This is something that I have seen in many, many servicemembers: They recount their experiences in the military as rough, difficult, bullshit, or bitter, yet they are just as proud of and defined by their service. The dichotomy of these experiences is stark. For many veterans, their time in the service was the most distinguished of their entire lives. They remember their 4 or however many years in the military as the most important and defining time for them, even if they’ve lived 5 or 10 times as long.
So on this Memorial Day, think about that. Remember those who gave their lives so that we may live ours as we do. Thank those still living who still sacrifice for us as a nation and a people. And keep in mind that what they are doing is important to them. It defines them in many ways, and while many might hate it, they also are proud of it. Be proud for them.
Filed under: Thoughts
Here’s an idea: Take tweets from an event (like my epic Memorial weekend trip) and add in photos. Tell me what you think.
Riding motorcycles has opened up a brotherhood to me.
When I don my riding jacket, pants, and helmet, I transform from a college student to a motorcyclist. And in doing so, I wear a badge on my chest that says I am a part of the Two Wheeled Brotherhood. People that I normally would not get along with suddenly become my friends on the road when we pass each other, greeting each other with the two fingers’ bikers’ greeting. When we’re off our bikes, we’re cordial with one another, and sometimes even share a friendly rivalry depending on what kind of bike the other person rides. But on the road, we’re almost steadfast allies, sticking together warning each other about cops and cagers (car drivers). Behind the helmet and goggles and facemasks, everyone looks similar, and so the only form of expression on the road is the bike itself and riding style. It’s an amazing feeling to be connected with someone without needing to know anything about them, except for what they ride. The mere fact that we ride on two wheels bonds us and separates us from the others.
This is one of many brotherhoods I have joined or made in the past few years. I use the term loosely, because often the ‘brotherhood’ in question is a loose connection with an acquaintance, but one that has been more than trivial. It’s something that’s come naturally to me, what some would call networking, others socializing, or just making friends. Everywhere I’ve gone, I’ve made friends or at least acquaintances, and more often than not, those connections have come around to help me in one way or another. It has taken me several years and a Roman History class to realize the benefit of what I have been doing as long as I can remember, and understand it at an intellectual level. Now, looking back, I ultimately see the connections I’ve forged in terms of patronage, patron-client relationships.
I used to do it out of habit or nature. People called me a ’social butterfly’. Some found it annoying that I had to be the center of attention. Now, it’s a little more focused and disciplined. I notice that I make connections with people that are in a position to help me.It’s not a single-mindedly selfish motive that drives this, though. I am genuinely interested in connecting with people. I empathize with waiters, cashiers, construction workers, professors, or other service-related people…I try to make their experience more positive by treating them as normal people instead of a robot that should just get their jobs done. And in helping them, I’ve noticed that they help me as well. This is the dynamic of patronage, giving in order to get. Implicit in this is a certain level of respect and honoring of others, but also a modicum of assertiveness and confidence. A balance between those values have contributed to me having an extraordinarily positive experience in the last four years. It could all be an accident or fate or luck, but I can’t deny the fact that I meet people that recognize me and consider me a friend just about wherever I go. It’s a good feeling knowing I have a place in people’s hearts.
As someone who has frequently worried about the stability of his friendships, I value consistency and routines. Routines can get boring, and I do my best to mix them up, but it also means being within my comfort zone and having a solid group of friends. I find this term’s inadvertent routine very enjoyable:
Monday – Running, Roman History, Econ, Swimming, Badminton
Tuesday – Military History, UGC Meetings, Oregon Commentator, College Republicans, Burger and Brew (or Agate Alley, if it’s Cinco de Mayo)
Wednesday – Running, Roman History, Econ, ISA, Swimming
Thursday – Military History, Rennie’s
Friday – Coffee Hour, Hang out with friends
Saturday – Swimming, Hang out with friends
Sunday – Hang out with friends/wake up late, do marginal school work.
Start over.
Motorcycle rides can fit in just about anywhere there!
There is something that we’ve all been fighting: The realization that graduation is coming up, and that our college lives are almost over. Part of it is because we are so accustomed to school, and don’t really know life outside of an academic setting. How could we? We’ve been going to school all our lives, for the most part.
For as long as I can remember, the cycle has been Fall term, Winter Break, Winter Term, Spring Break, Spring Term, Summer Vacation. I can’t imagine not having a Summer Vacation. I’m still thinking in terms of having one, even though I know I won’t very soon. For the last two or three years, I’ve kept up to date with next-term registration schedules, reminding my classmates to register for classes on time. I did once again, this term, but realizing that it didn’t affect me at all.
I still can’t believe that I’ll be done with my undergraduate life in 5 weeks.
It seems like just a month ago that I was ’starting’ things, that projects and my involvement on campus were beginning. I feel like I’ve just started growing up. While I’ve had pretty good grades throughout, I really feel like I’ve just started to understand the fields that I am studying in. I’m still in the mentality of ’starting’, and I’m having to change that to ‘ending’. I’m going to have to say bye to my professors and mentors on campus. I won’t be on a campus where I could tell you the nearest bathroom or the quickest route to the other side. On Commencement, I’ll receive the last piece of paper with the University seal on it (other than alumni letters soliciting donations). I won’t see my friends, the best of friends that I’ve ever had, nearly as frequently.
And I’ll have to start all over. New rules. A new place. New clothes. New friends.
The last one scares me the most. I know that wherever I go, I will make friends. But I have created such a strong connection with the friends I have here. I feel like my dream of having a small group ( I can count them on my fingers) of close friends has come true in the last two years or so. Breaking this up will be painful. And it will break at some level, because when our paths all diverge, we will grow apart. I don’t doubt that we’ll still be friends, but I know that I am bad at keeping touch, and that our vastly different lifestyles will be hard to share when we’re hundreds or thousands of miles away. At the bottomline, we will all be ok, and will find happiness wherever we go. As I have said again and again, every change in my life has been for the better, and this will be no different. But that realization only comes in retrospect. Looking forward at this inevitable parting of ways makes me reluctant and nervous. It feels like staring a barrelling train right in the eyes.
Filed under: Thoughts
The piracy that has been occuring off the coast of Somalia has interested me a lot recently. Here’s little background that I lifted off of my blog post about this on the Oregon Commentator for those who don’t know:
For several years, as the the Somali state has spiraled down into deeper and deeper chaos, piracy in Somali and international waters around the failed nation has threatened to close off vital shipping lanes through the Gulf of Aden and the Red Sea. Piracy has only gotten worse in the last couple years as the political situation in Somalia has deteriorated even further. The fact that foreign ships are dumping toxic waste and intruding into Somali waters to fish doesn’t help. The Somali people are desolate, and when the rest of the world tramps over their little tidbits of livelihood, that’s when they decide to strike back as pirates.
There is a lot of talk and rabble going on about the piracy issue, and it is fairly easy to see why. Just look at the numbers above. A number of proposals and advice on the problem are being suggested, ranging from common sense to colonial. Shipping firms are losing money both through the ransoms and from the delayed and lost cargo. The crews that run these ships are in constant fear of being hijacked, and now that some pirates have been killed after taking the captain of the Maersk Alabama hostage, they probably are fearing for their lives as well.
But the main reason for all the hype and concern about piracy is because it threatens our civilization. I’m not saying that a few thugs with tugboats in Somalia are going to destroy democracy or stop our running water. What I mean is that it throws a wrench into our paradigm of the world. The tangible disruption is that piracy hurts international trade (esp. shipping of oil), which just about every civilized nation depends on in some form or another. More importantly, though, the piracy undermines the very notion of civilized life, where diplomacy trumps force (provided diplomacy is backed by force), where nations can trade with one another to mutually benefit beyond what they could if they didn’t trade, and where everyone generally agrees to play by a de facto set of rules. This type of civilized life can only happen when basic human needs are taken care of. Those pirates don’t have that, and so they are desperately trying to obtain that without regard to welfare of others (or themselves, at times).
This is why piracy is so worrying to politicians around the world: because our society has progressed to the point where it cannot fathom or deal with indiscriminate, private uses of force anymore. We, as a society, ignore it when it does not affect us directly, and when it does affect us, we scramble to find ways to suppress the threat without trying to understand its causes. It is the same reason that we are simply happy to have violent criminals locked up, instead of spending the time and money to rehabilitate them properly: we can’t deal with it, and would rather it all just ‘went away’. That is why our response as a civilized society to the piracy problem is to deploy our militaries (that kill for us, since we don’t have the mental fortitude to do it ourselves) and suggest arming shipping crews instead of focusing on Somalia as a broken state, which is the true root of the problem.
A few thoughts lately, for historical purposes:
I feel lazy when I can’t wake up even after 8 hours of sleep. How am I going to survive in the Navy?
Working out twice a day on MW is pretty amazing. I feel good about about two days. When I skip running in the morning, I feel sluggish all day.
I am becoming more and more moderate in my political views. Things like the Meat Inspection Act of 1906 make me appreciate government and question how I was ever an extreme libertarian.
I have started to believe in a god more and more. It is a not an omnipotent god like Christians believe it, it is just a form of energy that is beyond human and our world. I feel that in many ways, I am blessed, and it is for a reason.
Economics has changed how I interact with the world and how I interpret it.
History has changed how I see our present as a product of our past, and it has changed how I act in the present in context of the future. It has taught me that nothing is permanent or self-evident in the beginning. Roman History, specifically, has changed how I form relationships in society, be it with teachers, friends, or whoever else.
Both fields that I am studying have changed my world.
Creating good relationships with my teachers has helped that so much.
I think I have made some very good decisions in my life, and some very lucky ones as well.
My team’s performance at International Night proved to me that I can be a good leader.
Last night, everyone blew up. Just about everything. ISA was going through some issues, ASUO Elections are chaotic, and some things with friends, too. This is the first time that I haven’t been fazed by all of that combined.
I got my first full night’s of sleep after a few days, but that came at the cost of not going to Running class and being late for history. After history and Econ, I went to the Career Fair to help recruit with Petty Officer Gregg and Senior Chief Martin, who had attended the Business Etiquette dinner the night before. At the Etiquette dinner, having Esh, Bryan, and Senior Chief there made it much more bearable…but then again, I wouldn’t have gone if it hadn’t been for the Navy.
So many shenanigans happened at the Career Fair, which made the two hours standing and talking about the Navy amusing and fun. It’s funny, I cruised Career Fairs for two years for giveaway promos, and it ended up getting me stuck in the Navy. I guess nothing’s really free. This time around, the FBI had a reading lamp, so I grabbed one, of course. Senior Chief Martin wanted one, as well, so after debating for a bit, I went around and scrounged another for him.
I talked to SSgt Stout at the USMC booth, and he gave me crap for not ’saying hi to him at the Etiquette dinner.’ I asked him if I could have a Marine Corps water bottle, and he agreed on the stipulation that I give out three of his business cards. I took the challenge seriously and earned my water bottle.
When we weren’t talking to students, Gregg and Martin and I basically chatted about motorcycles, college life, and other stuff. We shared complaints on certain ‘types’ of people on campus, and both were surprisingly forthcoming. I have to say, it was more relaxed than being around an officer, which I will miss once I am a commissioned officer. I will have to figure out how to define myself as an officer from my enlisted men without seeming cocky and arrogant. DX and an Arab international student came by and talked with my recruiters briefly, which made for some funny moments: “When I came to America, I thought Old Navy was part of the Navy.” “So how much does one of those planes cost?” “What is required to drive one of those aircraft carriers?”
Overall, I had an awesome day with many anecdotes. Swimming later was great, and so was badminton with Esh. Then I went with her and David to Castle Superstore…I found out that they offer military discounts. Nice!
Filed under: Random events
I am selling a camera lens on Craigslist for $465. I got this email today:
I’m interested in the immediate purchase of this item i will be paying
you a sum of $650 i will want to complete the transaction in a very
timely manner and i will like you to ship out the item through via
USPS EXPRESS MAIL SERVICES(EMS SPEEDPOST)if you can do this,email me
with your paypal id so that i can proceed with payment right away.let
me quickly say that i will be sending this unit to my son in WEST
AFRICA ,he need this item urgent for his birthday gift, i will be
happy if u can email me back now.
My response:
Ok, I will make the drop tonight at the Sacred Heart Eugene hospital
garage, third floor, northwest corner.
The lens will be in an unmarked white box. Leave the money where the box is.
Think I should go for it?
What an eventful day, with many anecdotes throughout that kept me going.
Woke up at 7:15, a bit late for helping ISA set up for the first day of I-Week. Headed home and ate bacon, a muffin, and cereal before running class.
Ran 2.2 miles in 17 minutes, and ate a protein bar and banana before history. History was awesome, as always, and we got our midterm question due next week. After history, I saw an open-air preacher in front of the UO Bookstore using a milk carton cut in half as a megaphone. Nice.
I also saw a particular Econ graduate student who I don’t like (yeah, Peter, I’m talking about you) and I noticed a bald spot on the back of his head as I walked behind him. That gave me a slight bit of satisfaction.
After Econ class, I witnessed someone getting detained outside of the UO Bookstore, most likely for shoplifting. It was pretty cool, my situational awareness really paid off in catching the moment. I heard two guys outside of the store with walkie-talkies, talking about someone: “Has he left yet?” “No, he’s inside still, signing his credit card receipt.” “Ok.” Their mannerisms tipped me off as well, one was looking around with purpose. When the kid left the store, the two guards grabbed him by the arm, flashed a badge, and took him back in. (more…)
