Ambition, Emotion, and a hint of Luck

I swear, my life is going around in circles.

One day, I’ll break out of it.

For the time being, something about going on a 5 mile run makes me feel a lot clearer. Or at least a lot better, even if I’m coming back to the same problems.

I updated my calendar. I rearranged my room, cleaned up some of my clothes, restacked my books, and vacuumed. I’m paintballing on Saturday, and the clarity of being on the pseudo-battlefield should be a good escape from the confusing dredge of civil social interaction in this cage of concrete, glass, and asphalt that I am stuck in.

1. The calendar in my room has not been turned since February. 

I think that’s an example of how little I’ve been maintaining myself. Just as my calendar has lost touch with time, I’ve lost touch with myself. I’m going day to day, barely keeping up, without a larger vision of what life should be like or a larger vision of what I should be doing or how I should be acting.

3. I am so unmotivated lately. Nothing really seems to matter anymore. I don’t have any sense of urgency or necessity in doing anything. I need something definite, something black and white and clear to deal with.

2. It’s kind of ironic that I’m pushing away the people that I care about the most, and acting friendly and nice to all the people I don’t care about.

Looking at the friendships I developed over this year, almost every one of them feels like they are fading away. And I seem to be doing all the wrong things to try to revive them. I see myself doing many of the same mistakes I’ve done before.

I’m afraid of losing friends. I think that much is clear, just from reading my blog posts.

But I am encouraged by this realization: Every one of the friendships that I have lost have given way to friendships that have been better. And it is better to let things go instead of trying to force them.

So…yeah. Rest assured, me.

Footprints - Canon EOS Rebel XTi with 50mm f/9.0 at 100 ISO

PS It seems like for me, there is a tradeoff of being relaxed, chill, and easygoing, and being myself. Meaning that I am naturally uptight and dramatic in my reaction towards…anything. So I’ll try to be relaxed and laidback about things…and slowly become more and more uptight. What do I do?

The sun peeped out from behind the clouds ever so slightly today. It was so fragile, though. It seemed apprehensive after all the rain and clouds. It might duck away at the slightest sign of cold…the sun needs reassurance.

I’ve had this song stuck in my head all weekend.

I normally don’t just cold post song lyrics. But I actually really like the lyrics for this one.

The man in me will do nearly any task,
And as for compensation, there’s little he would ask.
Take a woman like you
To get through to the man in me.

Storm clouds are raging all around my door,
I think to myself I might not take it any more.
Take a woman like your kind
To find the man in me.

But, oh, what a wonderful feeling
Just to know that you are near,
Sets my a heart a-reeling
From my toes up to my ears.

The man in me will hide sometimes to keep from bein’ seen,
But that’s just because he doesn’t want to turn into some machine.
Took a woman like you
To get through to the man in me. - Bob Dylan

Aliens - Canon EOS Rebel XTi with 50mm f/4.5 at 100 ISO

Today is the one-year anniversary of the shootings at Virginia Tech. My friend Demic organized a memorial service in remembrance of the 32 deaths that day, a year ago.

These moments go to show how fragile life is. How easily life can be snuffed away by the actions of someone else, someone who was also sickened and twisted by things in his life. While Seung-Hui Cho was the killer, he was not without pain or grief. Clearly, he had been lost as well. And all the other 31 victims had so much waiting for them. Life is never long enough.

Somebody spoke at the ceremony tonight, and recited an inspiring Sanskrit proverb:

“Look well to this day, for it is life, the very life of life. In it lies all the realities and verities of existence: the bliss of growth, the glory of action, splendor of beauty. For yesterday is but a dream, and tomorrow only a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore, to this day, for it and it alone is life! Such is the salutation of the dawn.”

Yesterday is but a dream.

Tomorrow is only a vision.

Look well, therefore, to this day.

I must continually remind myself this, but there is but one today. And fear of what may come tomorrow shall not stop me. For then today will have been in vain. Where I am today, who I am today, is a product of decisiveness and not waiting or stopping because of fear. As my mother wisely pointed out to me today, I have learned not to live in yesterday’s memories. And I have learned not to fear tomorrow. I must always remember this.

Carpe Diem. Seize the day.

Stalker - Canon EOS Rebel XTi with 35mm f/3.5 at 100 ISO

I want to go back to Pride Rock.

Pride Rock - Canon EOS Rebel XTi with 50mm f/5.6 at 200 ISO

I feel like a horrible person lately.

I think it’s time for me to take some time off and reflect again.

A most Happy 20th Birthday to University of Oregon’s favorite Malaysian, Adelle Pushparatnam.

I’m talking with a friend about graduation. We were good friends in the dorms…which seems like ages ago. He just told me that he’s planning on graduating early and going into the Peace Corps.

Damn.

Graduation, already. I know it’s on everybody’s minds, but not tangibly yet.

I have to say, though, I am excited to be joining the Navy after college. Well, technically, since I’m already joined up, I’m excited to be going to OCS, commissioning, and serving.

How do you deal with the feeling that you miss someone more than they miss you?

Is there even anything to be done about it?

The sad thing is that these kind of thoughts are usually the result of overthinking, or reading too much into things that have no correlation at all. Maybe I am missed, but I just don’t see it. Maybe I don’t show others that I miss them as well, even if I do.

But even with this in mind, I usually take upon myself and my personality. It’s pretty depressing, actually, how I’ll think that I’m just ‘not the type of person that’s missed very much’ or that the way I act or the way I am doesn’t leave much of an impression in other people.
It might be kind of confusing, I’m being pretty abstract here, but what it comes down to is me taking things too personally and too sensitively, and needing constant reassurance against my own insecurities.

Depressing.

I am learning to stand on my own and know who I am without needing external sources. I am learning to trust my friends even if they aren’t always showing their best side. I am learning not to doubt things and jump to conclusions quickly.

I’ve realized that my confidence tends to come from external inputs. As in, I feel good when I get compliments and praises, but those soon wear off. And I forget about the meaning behind those compliments, and begin to wonder whether they still hold true.

The same thing goes for my friendships…even the best of friends can shake me when they do something that causes me to doubt them. Even if it is just one little thing that happens to be a coincidence and is not supposed to be a reflection of our friendship.

So I am trying be stronger myself, without need of constant reassurance from others. And I am trying to believe in my friends more, even in times of quietness and doubt.

Power Lines - Canon EOS Rebel XTi with 35mm f/3.5 at 100 ISO

My most recent article in the Oregon Commentator is causing some people to be very angry. I find it amusing that mere words can stir up such strong emotions.

If I can move people with words like these, then imagine what I could do with words positively?

Home is wherever we are

If there’s love there, too

- Jack Johnson, Home

We’re back. What an epic week.

2000 miles. Up and down California. 5 people. In-N-Out 3 times. Bubble Tea. Sunburns. Gas. Lots of it. Food. Food. Food. Palm trees. The same songs on my iPod…over…and over…and over…

I’ve been home and alone for no more than 30 minutes, and I already miss you guys.

Random thought: I am so ready for one day when the SHTF.

I won’t be on here for a week. Going on a roadtrip to California, but I’ll make sure to post pictures when I get back.

Have a good break, dear readers.