Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

I think I’m addicted to online shopping. I can’t stop buying things. Good thing I’m still saving money.

Who knew that 3-week old rotten food smelled like bleach?

I feel like the frayed end of a rope. One more day of school. I’ve been going strong all year, and I think I’ve found my limit, or at least the point when I start to lose focus.

It’s funny how much a one hour conversation can reconnect friends. I sat down with a friend to discuss subletting my apartment to her, and it felt like I had finally had the conversation that I wanted to have with her since she got back last term. Friendships are never permanently lost, even if they fade for days, weeks, or even months at a time. I just have to remember to keep my mind open. And you just have to do the same.

I need the summer off to think. If all goes well, I’ll travel, write, read, and photograph.

These last three years have been amazingly transformational for me. I’m curious and excited to see how I change next.

I’m talking with a friend about graduation. We were good friends in the dorms…which seems like ages ago. He just told me that he’s planning on graduating early and going into the Peace Corps.

Damn.

Graduation, already. I know it’s on everybody’s minds, but not tangibly yet.

I have to say, though, I am excited to be joining the Navy after college. Well, technically, since I’m already joined up, I’m excited to be going to OCS, commissioning, and serving.

As 2007 came a close, people started talking about resolutions. This is first time I didn’t consciously make a New Year’s resolution, and I’ve realized that it’s because I’m always resolved. Self-improvement and the journey of life I’m in rarely leave my mind. But now’s as good a time as any to strength that resolve. Instead of with a New Year’s resolution, I’ll do this with a list of principles and values that I hope to abide by.

Self-confidence - For me not to undermine myself and doubt myself as much as I do now.
Perspective - To try to see all sides of a story, and not to think that everything is because of me.
Content - Although I am always looking for better and trying to be better, to recognize that I am good as is, too.
Relax - To not worry about everything and to let things be and not always fight them.
Criticism - To take criticism better, and be able to give it out better.
Losing - To not have to call people out all the time, to not have to win all the time, and to be able to lose graciously.
Being - To not try so hard to be funny, cool, or likeable, and to just be instead of try.

I think my approach to life can be summed up with this comic from xkcd.com: 

Uncertainty, confusion, and lack of direction scared me before. It was like being scared of the dark. But eventually, I began to embrace it. I realized that it had its place in life, and actually was the source of a lot of the excitement and fun of life. Reading this comic reaffirmed that feeling.

Interesting that these lessons should come to me at this time, and from this book.

Lt. Col David Grossman, in On Combat, researches the psychology of aggression, combat, and killing. He also notes on how to train warriors to deal with the duty that their job requires of them at times: killing. Ultimately, killing is necessary at times. And if the situation calls for it, it is the sheepdog that answers the call and does what is necessary to protect the sheep from the wolves.

But the sheepdog must be trained to act appropriately, and Lt. Col. Grossman dedicates an entire section of the book to training warriors how to kill when needed, and how to handle the certainly overwhelming stress of in a life-and-death situation.

One of the tenets that Grossman teaches is criticize in private, praise in public. It is so striking that I should receive such a lesson at this time, as I am starting to be in charge of other people and teams. Before, I had always been focused on myself, making sure I was vindicated, and that I received due praise. But ultimately, being a leader is not about that. Being a leader is about empowering subordinates, motivating them, and giving them the tools they need to succeed. And morale is a huge factor of that. I

t is important to correct them when needed, but it is not necessary nor should leaders criticize their people in front of others. It is always more favorable to pull them aside and tell them what they need to change in private.

On the flipside, praising in public is encouraging, and motivating, and gives the person a good feeling about what they are doing.

In general, Lt. Col. Grossman’s book, On Combat, left me feeling inspired and empowered, as an aspiring leader, as one who strives to be a warrior/sheepdog in this society, and as a human being. I strongly recommend it for anyone that is involved with warriors or feels the call to be one.

Off and on, I’ve had the concern that I am, in essence, a boring person. I’ve occasionally felt that superficially, I’m funny and enjoyable, but as I get to know people, I have less to say, and become increasingly less interesting. Well, I don’t feel that way anymore. Not after today.

Ultimately, I’m going to be who I am, and there’s really no point nor should I even be trying to be different. And it’s ok to have moments of silence with friends. In fact, that’s a sign of comfort. And most of all, I do find things to talk about when I’m with the right people, in the right moment, in the right mood.

These are things that came up in talks with both my parents and Adelle. It’s funny how often their advice and wisdom are along the same lines…

This is a piece of wisdom instilled upon me by my mother. She told it to me when I was upset a few months ago about friends not calling, things not going the way I wanted them to, and as usual, I went to her to talk. I generally take things very personally, and look at them one way or another (especially like friends not calling or dropping out of contact): either they don’t want to be around me anymore, or they aren’t worthy enough.

It’s a fairly egotistical yet self-deprecating view of things, and I’m starting to get better about it.

And it was that tidbit of wisdom that started it all. What was it?

The realization that the world does not revolve around you. Not everything in the world is about you, and most of the time, things happen independent of you.

It’s deflating at face value, because as humans, we all want to feel importance and that we have relevance in the world. But the more I thought about it, the more liberating that realization was. All it was was a shift of perspective. No longer were all the negative things in my life because of me, but they just were there. And it allowed me to focus on solutions that didn’t involve me trying to be someone I wasn’t. And ultimately, this means that mistakes and screw-ups will be corrected, and life does go on.

With this revelation, I feel like I am able to live my life more freely, without worrying so much about myself around others. It’s uplifting.

I’ve been noting as of late how fast this term went by. To me, it’s a function of the fun, stress, busyness, and excitement. This term was by the far the most dramatic, action-packed, interesting, and personally successful term yet. It wasn’t all good all the time, but the low points really helped me grow. Life is never always good, and I wouldn’t really want it any other way.

So, by no means has these last few months been trouble-free. Or without confusion, moments of doubt, or times of depression. But every time, I always end up getting back up, and every time I get back up, I stand a little bit taller, knowing I passed another trial.

What really hit me that the term is ending is course evaluations. I have been non-stop going and hustling for the last 10 weeks, without much regard for the immediate future. It’s like swimming for the surface without watching out for obstacles in between. So when two of my classes put out their evaluations today, it was definitely a reminder: Whoa…we’re almost done for the term.

I’ve summarized the mundane and repetitive nature of each term. But this is not to say that life is boring. On the contrary, the amazing variation that happens in between makes everything else trivial.

Register for classes

Buy books

Get syllabi

Go to classes

Work hard

Play hard

Do homework

Study for midterms

Do homework

Lose focus 

Regain focus

Course Evaluations

Study for Finals

REPEAT.

It’s time for me to do some recollection. Some soul-searching, introspection, and deep thinking.

What makes us who we are?
Is it a result of our personal experiences?
Is it who we want to be?
But it is also who we have been, wouldn’t you say?
What about the fact that we are different around different people?
And do other people’s perceptions of you affect who you are?

I think what I am really trying to get to the bottom of is who I am. Who I want to be and who I have been are all facets of that question.

No time for a long thoughtful post. “Phew,” say my readers.

I was talking with an old friend about this last summer. Things were relatively spontaneous back then, and happier. They seem like so long ago. I don’t have the time for spontaneity anymore, and I miss it. My life is so regimented. I suppose I’d better get used to it.

I’m dealing with a lot of turmoil within me at the moment. It’s not like I’m going crazy or anything…they’re the same problems I’ve dealt with for years, but never really faced. I always took the quick cure over the long-term solution. The problem is that I have become someone that I am not in the past two years. In my quest to make friends, be outgoing, and be liked, I’ve deviated from myself. And the harder I try, the more I become who I am not. People are very keen to that…and they can sense that I am trying so hard to be liked. And insecurity is not attractive. Thus my endeavors to be liked backfire on me, ultimately.

I’ve realized that I am introverted. I’m not shy, nor am I uncomfortable in social situations. However, I get my energy from myself. If I don’t have the time to introspect, I can be pretty miserable. These last two years have been go, go, go, hustle, move, hurry, rush, run, and I haven’t had much time to stop and think. And so to some people, it might seem like I can never get over the same problems. Well, it’s true…I’ve never had the time to solve them.

I’m in a tough spot with friends at the moment. A lot of us are dealing with issues in our lives, and especially with my old friends, our lives don’t coincide as much as they used to. The only hope is to keep the communication going…and stay open to change.

I guess I lied about the short post thing. It’s an interesting time for me, now, and I appreciate the people that are continually listening to me talk about these demons within. There really isn’t anything other people can do…except lend me an ear. Otherwise…it’s my fight, and I have to battle it alone.

I made a huge blog post about this train of thought that’s been bothering me lately. But I soon realized that it was more for my own purposes, and definitely wasn’t polished enough for the rest of the world to see. We can never fully present ourselves to others, for the demons within are ones that we must fight on our own and with the people we trust completely. All others, were they to catch a glimpse of these inner turmoils, would be shocked and scared to be associated with such a ‘troubled’ person. But the truth is, we all have these problems. And we all need some people that we trust to fight those demons with us.

I am always searching for someone to trust, and often am too trusting. I’m at a crossroads…no one really to trust at the moment, stepping carefully in every direction.

There are some people that, wherever they go, seem to make things work. The first in my mind is Kane, my big brother, who made the VFSA what it is now, motivated me to join in, and brought together the services of the University for the sake of the organization. The second is Remi, who I know has made an enormous spearhead for ISA. Last year, ISA really defined itself as a strong organization in campus, and most ISA officers attribute it to her.

I want to be someone like that. Someone that has been the cornerstone to making something great. But what I’ve realized is that that is the wrong motivation for making things happen. It’s not the aspiration to be known as important that drives these people. It’s something more. And that’s something that I want to discover deep within. For the time being, I’ll use what I have, and fake it when I don’t have it.