Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

My brother announced today that he has his first date! He’s going to see a movie on Wednesday with a girl.

And then my sister’s friend’s dad called in today and asked about a sleepover that they were supposedly having at our house. It was the first we had heard of it, and all her friends were going to be guys.

My mom sensibly put a stop to that!

But anyways, it’s cool watching my siblings grow up. And I’m just happy that they have my parents to guide them with their wisdom and the lessons they learned raising me.

For the summer, I have done these things so far:

Read Dune, The Alchemist, Animal Farm, and parts of Leviathan and Two Treatises of Government.

Finished Call of Duty, Call of Duty: United Offensive, Call of Duty 2, and about 90% of Fallout.

Left Oregon (and will again on Monday!).

Floated down a river.

Took over a hundred photos a week.

Mowed the lawn.

Remembered more than a few dreams.

Saw Wall-E.

Shot guns.

Played Axis and Allies.

Cooked dinner for various people.

Slept in until 12.

• Spice bottles don’t have the right spices in them because my parents try to recycle everything.
  Case in point: I tried to use “Oregano” on a dish I was making this afternoon, and so I logically used the bottle labeled “Oregano”. I discovered that it was another spice after sprinkling it on top of lunch.

• We have all these weird vegetables and foods in the refrigerator, and I don’t know how to use any of them. And then my dad will ask me to cook lunch for my siblings.

• My mom and I will be in an intense discussion about something, and then she’ll get ADD and go on a tangent about her orchids.

• Everything like cleaning and washing dishes and cooking and eating are on way different cycles.

• I feel like I’m on a different wavelength than the rest of my family.

• Home cooking used to be the best…but it seems to have taken a turn for the worse…I think Eugene has gotten to my parents, and now all they cook is healthy (read: gross) wholesome food.

But it is a nice change of pace. And even though my mom is eccentric and crazy, she’s so caring and loving.

We finally reached Bechtel, our faces cold and legs aching from over 2 miles of trekking through the snow. I hastily shuffled off my backpack and shed my outer jacket. I had packed 3 liters of water in my backpack, and I was paying for it now in sweat and pain. Soon after Dad and I had the fire crackling in the stove, Mom and my siblings caught up with us at the shelter.By this time, the snow was rushing down outside. Under that God-given shelter, we were warm. Just outside, a couple birds flitted about. I watched in amazement as they danced about in the bitter cold. They would perch on the trees right outside the shelter, sharply eying from safety. Then all of sudden, they would dive towards the shelter, and double back just as quickly. These were ADD birds, if I’ve ever seen them.

They’re Camp Robbers, Mom said, as she tossed a few crumbs onto the ground. Immediately, the birds voraciously snatched them away and toted them back to their perches. I suppose their strange behavior was just looking for scraps on the ground.

My look on life and the world is a paradox. I am deeply pessimistic about society and humankind as a collective. I’ve more and more realized how many problems we create for ourselves. Thinking about it all the time gets depressing.
However, on the flip side, I am very optimistic about human nature on an individual level. I trust people, for the most part, on a person-to-person basis, and I think that individually, humans are caring, compassionate, and wonderful creatures.

Likewise, my life is kind of like that right now. On the grand scale, life is a constant struggle. There are always things needing to be done, lessons needing to be learned, people needing to be met, and words needing to be said. Contentment and happiness have their place, but too much often leads to complacency, which inevitably lead to worse unhappiness as an aftermath. Life is uncertain, dark at times, scary, and complex.
In that uncertainty, complexity, and struggling, however, life is amazing. On a specific level, the family and friends that have been in my life, came, gone, and are still here, have been nothing but wonderful. Knowing some of the people that I do now makes me truly happy. Just thinking of a few makes me smile. Those types of people are hard to come by in life.

I’ve often lamented losing friends, and friends fading away. This has come up so many times here, but a recent blog post by Mon reminded me of this: it seems like every month, every term, and every year, I have lost or changed friends, or become distant with ones that used to be close. In the past, it was an extraordinarily sensitive subject for me. I started wondering what was wrong with me. I honestly felt like there was an aspect of my character or personality that prevented me from having friends for longer than a few months.

But in retrospect, I see now that every time I changed friends, it was for the better in the long run. I learned something from that friendship, had some great times, but ultimately moved on because of growth in one form or another. And every friendship that I have made subsequently has been closer than the one before, and much more meaningful.

I’ve realized more and more that the ability to be aware of oneself and one’s condition in the world is really important to emotional growth. The ability to pay attention to the world and oneself and self-reflect from time to time. To me, it’s almost like a self-correcting mechanism, where thinking about oneself reveals the weaknesses and flaws, and drives one to correct those faults.

This trait is not a universal one.

In the hundreds of people that I have met throughout my college career, only a rare selection of them take the time to think about themselves and their lives and introspect. It’s astounding how oblivious and careless some people are. They don’t seem to realize much about themselves or their world…but then again, it seems like obliviousness is bliss at times.

Knowledge is painful, heavy, and depressing at times. In my quest for understanding about myself and the world, I’ve become increasingly cynical and realistic about how I see things. But I think that quest for knowledge and the self-reflection is the only real reason why I’m where I am today and not dropped out of school. That, and my family.

And I’ve also noticed that the people I surround myself with (or the ones that tend to stay around me) have that similar trait…that similar ability to see their world and themselves carefully and deliberately. I think ultimately, it leads us to be more fulfilled and interesting people.

Recently, a friend shared a story of a college student getting pregnant at 19. She went to the abortion clinic…but couldn’t bring herself to abort the baby. Despite the fact that she knew she couldn’t support a child and go to school, and that her parents and family and friends would shun her for having an ‘illegitimate child’, her instincts took over.

Sadly, she had a miscarriage at 22 weeks.

My friend, always quick to judge, told me how he thought that she should have just had the abortion. Us men will never, ever understand. To foster a life within, and then make the decision to snuff it away…would be unimaginably difficult.

My mom conceived me when she was still going to school. She has often told me the story of how she went to the university health center to consider an abortion. Both my father and mother were college students, and were unsure if they could support me and go to school at the same time. But at the last moment, my mom turned away, tears in her eyes, and told my dad that she was keeping me.

The story always reminds me how precious and fragile life can be. And how happy I am to be alive.

I am going to be who I am. I can’t, and shouldn’t, try to be anyone else. I’ve made this claim and realization before, but it’s so easy to forget. It’s so easy to fall back into the rut of comparing myself to others and trying to change myself. It’s not the first time I’ve said that, and I don’t know if this will be the last time that I say this, either. I feel like I’m going in circles. But I feel that every time I complete a loop again, I get a little closer and a little deeper to the truth or answer.

We’ll see.

But there are something I want to keep in mind for myself…I’m going to be more patient. I’m not going to be as demanding or expectant. Relax. Not everything is about me, or is because of me. And friendships and feelings take time to develop.

I don’t always have to be in charge or the one that’s right all the time. I won’t be so hasty to correct others. And the most difficult thing for me is being ok with not being in the center of attention all the time…but I will do my best.

Letting go of somethings is hard, even when rationally, I realize that the more I let go, the more I get. It’s a constant struggle to better myself and to improve the relations around me.

I am appreciative of the fact that despite all of the inner struggles, I have friends and especially family that supports me through and through.

• Getting my presentation done, finally
• Ec 418/419 meeting
• Finishing ISA Coffee Hour logo
• Talking with Ted and Andrea on journalism…politics…and how to see the world.

Some of it was really encouraging personally. I won’t lie, I like hearing compliments about myself. I’m working     through a lot of issues when it comes to being ok with myself, not being so careful all the time, and being me more than anything. But every once in a while, it’s nice to hear something from the outside.

Above all, our talk reminded me why I was so attracted to writing for the Commentator in the first place. And it reminded me that having a strong sense of right and wrong, and sticking to one’s principles, isn’t a bad thing at all. In fact, the importance of maintain one’s principles is far grander than I ever imagined. Being new to journalism or public anything, I feel like it has been a great experience in learning how to see the world more critically and intelligently.

So, this kind of helped me out of the rut that I hit a few days ago. I’ve realized through these ups and downs, and from my discoveries during my introspective weekend (I didn’t just shop online!) that the path to greater confidence is not as short as I thought it might be, and that it is a constant struggle against oneself and the others that undermine oneself. And that even though strength has to ultimately come from within, it is not a solitary journey, and the support of friends and family is amazing.

When I’m down, it’s so easy for me to get sucked into my own sorrows, into my own ‘emoness’. I forget my number one rule: it’s all about perspective. In the moment, everything feels like it’ll be that way forever and ever, when in reality, each next day yields something different. 

One thing that I love about growing up is that as we start striking out on our own, away from the nests of our parents, we start appreciating our past more. Back in high school and middle school, any mention of the parents was always bitching about them. Well, now that we’ve started to realize the responsibilities of living on our own, I think we are starting to have a lot more perspective towards parents. And it is no longer cool to diss on them…and those that respect their parents are ultimately the cool ones.

My 20th birthday is marked with an amazing weekend. Actually, it started on Wednesday, when we went to David’s for a BBQ. Thursday, had dinner with See, Katie, and David. Got a touching gift from Holly.

This Saturday, my family and I rented tubes and an inflatable kayak to take down the Willamette. The trip was amazing, if not a little longer. The first half of the river is the best, with a couple small rapids under I-5 and the Autzen Footbridge. I definitely want to go down again with all of my friends that went rafting the first time. Kayaks are a lot more fun.
After getting back yesterday evening, we BBQed some amazing steaks and chicken…I’m really getting more confident in my cooking ability.

Today, on the fly, we decided to go down the river again. The rapids were great, and the water was amazing to swim in. We only went half the distance this time, so we weren’t as tired at the end. By the time we got home, though, I was starting to feel two days of kayaking…I’m pretty sore and tired now. We BBQed again tonight, and it was delicious again.

I’m thoroughly worn out from these last two days, but I feel great. When I’m sore and tired, I know I’m alive. It’s a refreshing feeling. Instead of presents and an over-hyped birthday party, this has been far better. Spending time with my family, friends, eating great food, and appreciating life.

And with half an hour before my teenage years slip away forever…I write this blog post. Every birthday, I think back and reflect on the past year. And every year has been better than the one before. And I always tear up just a little in nostalgia, in thinking back on how much I have learned, grown, and changed. It always astounds me. But not this year. No tears at all. This year, I have been conscious of my growth, and my personality. I am not quite as surprised at how much I’ve changed, because it’s what I’ve been trying to do. I know that this year, I’ve learned far more and gain far more confidence than before. I feel myself to becoming truly a stronger person. A couple years ago, I began a transformation from being a follower to being a leader. I began to change from being a sheep to being a wolf. And I know that I am becoming one now.

I am, by no means, unthankful.

I love my family. They have supported me through all my endeavors, even the ones they don’t support personally. In the most literal sense, without them, I would not be standing tall as I am today.

I love my friends. A lot of faded away, some are more distant at the moment than others, a special few have put up with me and stayed strong with me, and some are new, fledging friendships. They are not perfect, nor am I. I’ve had conflicts and been upset with most of them at some time or another. But I have learned from each and every one of them. And they all have contributed to making my life what it is now.

I love this country. It has provided me the opportunities to be successful and excel. Living here and learning more about the rest of the world has given me the utmost hope for the United States of America. Again, it is not perfect, but I am strongly convinced that this is the best country in the world to live in.

I look to this next year, my 20th year of life, my junior year in college, and the continuation of my maturation, with eagerness, excitement, but with a tenacious preparedness.

One thing that has surfaced and been buried again with my parents repeatedly this summer is my decision to join the military. It’ll sometimes start when I mention my progress in the selection process. Or maybe when my mom reads about another soldier that died in Iraq. Or if my dad hears about ‘other things that I might like to do’ after college. And they’ve managed to keep their negative opinions to themselves, or at least present them in a way that’s understanding.

It has long been established that they don’t want me to do this. They’ve come to terms with my decision, and are being as respectful and positive as possible. The other day, though, my mom showed a bit of how she really felt. After a couple glasses of wine, we started talking about the military again. How I’m excited for doing this. And my mom blurted out, “But why do you want to join the military? I don’t get it! You’re so smart. The military is for stupid people.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. After all the ‘education’ and discussions that we had had, after all the progress that I thought we’d had in understanding, and getting past the stereotypes of the military, and the positive aspects that my parents saw in joining…this.

My reaction was instant and furious. I yelled at my mom that it was clearly not true, and that some of the smartest people I know have been in the military. My response wouldn’t have been such if I hadn’t first hand spoken with veterans or decided to join. But the experiences that those choices have taken me have yielded an immense respect for the institution that has defended our country and our way of life.

REGARDLESS of our political situation, or our administration’s stance on foreign affairs, or our problems abroad, the military has sworn to defend us and the Constitution of the United States of America, and always will. And it is something I want to be a part of.

Summer is almost over. We still technically have a month and a half, but I’m already mentally gearing up for next year.

My history class about the War in Iraq finished last Wednesday. I have to say it was one of the most fascinating classes I’ve had. It has changed the way I read things, the way I discuss things, and the way I think about basically any information given to me. And my professor is very smart. What I respect him most for is, despite being a liberal, he manages to keep his opinions out of his teachings. Naturally, biases come out, but he keeps the discussion atmosphere welcoming for all points of view. I’m almost done with the class work, but I have a paper due on Tuesday about General Wesley Clark, who is an amazing person to be reading about.

I’ve been having a great summer. I’ve been doing a lot of things I normally don’t do…floating down the Willamette, shooting, writing and photography. I haven’t made too many new friends, but the ones that have been in town, well, it’s been interesting with the different dynamics. I can’t say I’ve gotten closer to everyone, but I’ve gotten closer to a few, and grown apart from others. Maybe this is how it will be from here on, or maybe it’s temporary. I’m not too worried. We’ll see how things pan out.

Here are my dad’s comments regarding photos of mine:

“You look like Timothy McVeigh.”

“You look cool sitting on the car…but don’t sit on the car, it might damage it.”

I expected nothing less ^_^.

Who we are is defined by our experiences and our past. I’ve been doing so much and changing so much in the past few years that I wanted to visit my past. I reminisce quite often, but I have wanted to physically go back to a place that would remind me of the past. A place where I had lived, played, and grown up.

So today, I drove to Creswell, past the barber shop where I had cut my hair in a bowl-cut style as a kid, down Highway 99, down Lynx Hollow road, and then Jackson road that led to the old farm that I had spent my pre-teen years on. Even though it has been almost 7 years since living there, the way home still was fresh in my mind.

I turned down Jackson road and rolled down the windows. My memory may fade with time, but my nose never forgets. All the same buildings were there.

The McClean’s house, the two houses of our old farm, and the Booher’s place.
Across the road from our farm was an old lady that lived in a trailer, but she was gone.
When I was 10, my dad had planted a fir tree sapling on the side of the road, and it had grown really tall.
In one of the field was the old riding lawn mower that I had my driving lesson on.

When I got out of the car is when nostalgia really hit me. The smells. Those smells. My memory may fade, but my nose nevers forgets. The organic earthy smell of manure wafting from barns and fields. Grass seeds and pollens. Mud. Gasoline. Smelling my past sent shivers down my spine. Memories came rushing back in black and white. In my head, past played and I was watching myself play in the fields, shooting my BB gun, and swimming in an old creek.

After my ears started to get attuned to the quiet of the country, the sounds started to resonate with my memories, too. Unlike being in the city with the constant racket of cars and trucks driving by my house, or the whirring of my computer fan, or bass from hip-hop music beating in my ear, there was almost absolute quiet. The wind wisping through the grass fields. Bugs zipping past my head. Hammers and saws. 4 wheelers ripping through the pasture. Wells turning on and off to pump water to the houses. Those sounds.
The chill of memories long past.
Stillshots of a childhood running through my head.

Almost everything was exactly the same. But then I saw some of the inhabitants of my old memories. Unfamiliar faces. Even the people that used to know me probably wouldn’t have remembered or cared. I couldn’t stay. No matter how comforting the nostalgia of the past was, it would never be the answer to the challenges of the future. I could not dwell on the past, or live in it. After satiating my thirst for the reminiscent, I had nothing left to do in that place.

What a trip.