Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

For the summer, I have done these things so far:

Read Dune, The Alchemist, Animal Farm, and parts of Leviathan and Two Treatises of Government.

Finished Call of Duty, Call of Duty: United Offensive, Call of Duty 2, and about 90% of Fallout.

Left Oregon (and will again on Monday!).

Floated down a river.

Took over a hundred photos a week.

Mowed the lawn.

Remembered more than a few dreams.

Saw Wall-E.

Shot guns.

Played Axis and Allies.

Cooked dinner for various people.

Slept in until 12.

My second day in Boise, David, Tony, Richard, and Tom and I went out to Red Robin’s to eat before shooting. We enjoyed many a discussion while watching Tony hit on the waitresses and Richard drink Raspberry Lemonade after Raspberry Lemonade.

At one point, a fellow diner joined us in discussing world politics, the economy, and feeding the geese with our steak fries (seriously!). I wanted to tell him to use his own steak fries, but instead used the argument that birds shouldn’t have too much grease. He was weird to say the least, very forward, and very educated in history and economics. This guy, Frank, predicted that we are going to hit a domestic economic crisis in less than two months. As he said this, I chuckled to myself that his very saying that, if it was taken seriously, could be the cause of the crisis. Expectations affect outcomes on both a small and grand scale. He complimented Tony on his thinking, and then I found out Frank was a fellow Ron Paul follower, which negated all weirdness from before.

Fountain Family - Canon EOS Rebel XTi with 35mm f/9.0 at ISO 100

(more…)

As I unpacked all the stuff from my apartment, I ran across many little trinkets that stirred memories of the year. Most of them are inside jokes that nobody else will get. These are some of the things that answer the question: What is best in life?

To crush your enemies, to see them running before, and to hear the lamentations of the women!

Tank paper
Telling
Ethnocentric Fridays
Dumplings
Red vs. Blue
The Game
Jewish Holiday
Evil Pacman
Romandy
Curry and many cans of coconut milk
Christmas and Easter Mass
Bubble Tea at Berkeley
In-n-Out
Driving through LA
“Whatever, it’s up to you.”
Half gallon of rum and Natural Ice
King’s cup
Duck Football games and their interesting scoring scheme
BBQ at my parents and Pictionary
Paintballing
Cobwebs
Cake on pants
Midnight runs down route Autzen
Smoked Lager
Pride Rock
Chocolate
Coriander
Scottish accents
Yummy!
“That’s crap.”

Stinky
Spooky
So sensitive
Food in a box
Trident Tropical Fruit Gum
Drama!
Slience of Sleep
We’re skipping class!

Ten days ago, my blog turned one year old! I didn’t even realize it until today, when moving home marked the official beginning of summer for me.

It’s been a good year, to say the least. I met great people, met even better friends, learned a lot academically and personally, did a LOT, and stirred up my share of the pot on campus.

The year was so dense and intense that I don’t remember the beginning or middle of it too well. It was very dynamic, and there isn’t one thought or word or description to sum it all up.

I don’t know what to say about this year, really, except that I grew.

I made better friends, friends that lasted longer and meant more to me.

I had fewer friends than before because I focused on the ones I had instead of trying to go out and get more. I was truer to myself, less concerned with upsetting people, and I made a lot of people angry. And I turned off a lot of other people that normally would have been ok with me. But I think it was necessary for me to explore that and not try to be nice and accommodating like before. And being truer to myself, on the flipside of pushing a lot of people away, showed me who my true friends were.

Friendship - Canon EOS Rebel XTi with 35mm f/6.9 at 100 ISO

I think I’m addicted to online shopping. I can’t stop buying things. Good thing I’m still saving money.

Who knew that 3-week old rotten food smelled like bleach?

I feel like the frayed end of a rope. One more day of school. I’ve been going strong all year, and I think I’ve found my limit, or at least the point when I start to lose focus.

It’s funny how much a one hour conversation can reconnect friends. I sat down with a friend to discuss subletting my apartment to her, and it felt like I had finally had the conversation that I wanted to have with her since she got back last term. Friendships are never permanently lost, even if they fade for days, weeks, or even months at a time. I just have to remember to keep my mind open. And you just have to do the same.

I need the summer off to think. If all goes well, I’ll travel, write, read, and photograph.

These last three years have been amazingly transformational for me. I’m curious and excited to see how I change next.

Even a year ago…

I used to be such a dork.

I was scared and unsure.

I was nicer but becoming meaner.

I was definitely not as strong as I am now.

But at what cost has that come? Sometimes I feel like I have lost touch with a lot of people.

To Be Continued…

This basically depicts what is happening to me right now:

I am not motivated. I’m losing confidence in myself, in how I deal with situations, and in how I treat people. Everywhere I look, now, it seems all I can see are people who were once close to me that now have moved on, or have found other people that they get along with better. Honestly, I feel like I’ve lost any kind of interest that I used to have. I feel boring.

This isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with this. But before, instead of looking within and trying to figure out how to change myself, I think I’ve tried to stay strong (stay the course), be more confident about myself, and not worry about the people that didn’t appreciate me or couldn’t deal with me. And I think I’ve gotten worse because I haven’t been as willing to change or adapt myself.

Or maybe, I’m just too absorbed into issues about myself, and need start caring about other people more. Either way, I need to do something about myself and my situation.

I am way too overloaded. And I am not doing a good job of managing my obligations and time, either. For instance, I’m wasting time blogging right now when I could be sleeping or studying for Arabic tomorrow. I literally blow hours every day that could be spent reading or writing. However, I’ve realized that I can’t be focused all the time, and that my mind and body has its limits as far as concentrating energy goes, and while I’ve maintained it pretty well throughout the year, I think the threshold has been dwindling slowly.

And so while urgency and obligation scream at me from the back of my head, I have been taking indeliberate breaks all week when I should have been reading up on the Battles of the Somme or studying for my next vocabulary quiz. I haven’t daydreamed nearly as much as I have this week, and I frequently find myself wandering off into the summer, traveling, or thinking about next year, or a number of the interpersonal issues going on in my life. These breaks that I am taking, both mentally and physically, aren’t so much as nice as they are necessary.

Speaking of traveling, as a quick note, I’ve discovered that I am eligible for Space Available flights, which are open seats on military transports going basically anywhere that there are military airbases. So that means I could hitch a C-130 going out to Hawaii, or a C-17 flying to Ramstein Air Force Base in Germany. For free.

Relaxing amid the chaos and overload and urgent obligations has yielded me a realization about all these friends’ issues that I’ve been dealing with. Indeed, it is a realization that I have stumbled upon time after time, and I come closer to fully believing it each time around.

People change, and there isn’t anything that can be done about it. Sometimes the change works with you and you grow together. Sometimes the change doesn’t work with you, and you grow apart. Either way, it doesn’t invalidate the past. Likewise, the past is not a guarantee of what the future will hold. And sometimes…letting go is the hard but inevitable decision.
On the flipside, having not focused on one person so much and not trying to control these aspects in my life as much has allowed me to let go a little bit and see some more of the world that I had been missing before.

1. The calendar in my room has not been turned since February. 

I think that’s an example of how little I’ve been maintaining myself. Just as my calendar has lost touch with time, I’ve lost touch with myself. I’m going day to day, barely keeping up, without a larger vision of what life should be like or a larger vision of what I should be doing or how I should be acting.

3. I am so unmotivated lately. Nothing really seems to matter anymore. I don’t have any sense of urgency or necessity in doing anything. I need something definite, something black and white and clear to deal with.

2. It’s kind of ironic that I’m pushing away the people that I care about the most, and acting friendly and nice to all the people I don’t care about.

Looking at the friendships I developed over this year, almost every one of them feels like they are fading away. And I seem to be doing all the wrong things to try to revive them. I see myself doing many of the same mistakes I’ve done before.

I’m afraid of losing friends. I think that much is clear, just from reading my blog posts.

But I am encouraged by this realization: Every one of the friendships that I have lost have given way to friendships that have been better. And it is better to let things go instead of trying to force them.

So…yeah. Rest assured, me.

Footprints - Canon EOS Rebel XTi with 50mm f/9.0 at 100 ISO

PS It seems like for me, there is a tradeoff of being relaxed, chill, and easygoing, and being myself. Meaning that I am naturally uptight and dramatic in my reaction towards…anything. So I’ll try to be relaxed and laidback about things…and slowly become more and more uptight. What do I do?

Today is the one-year anniversary of the shootings at Virginia Tech. My friend Demic organized a memorial service in remembrance of the 32 deaths that day, a year ago.

These moments go to show how fragile life is. How easily life can be snuffed away by the actions of someone else, someone who was also sickened and twisted by things in his life. While Seung-Hui Cho was the killer, he was not without pain or grief. Clearly, he had been lost as well. And all the other 31 victims had so much waiting for them. Life is never long enough.

Somebody spoke at the ceremony tonight, and recited an inspiring Sanskrit proverb:

“Look well to this day, for it is life, the very life of life. In it lies all the realities and verities of existence: the bliss of growth, the glory of action, splendor of beauty. For yesterday is but a dream, and tomorrow only a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore, to this day, for it and it alone is life! Such is the salutation of the dawn.”

Yesterday is but a dream.

Tomorrow is only a vision.

Look well, therefore, to this day.

I must continually remind myself this, but there is but one today. And fear of what may come tomorrow shall not stop me. For then today will have been in vain. Where I am today, who I am today, is a product of decisiveness and not waiting or stopping because of fear. As my mother wisely pointed out to me today, I have learned not to live in yesterday’s memories. And I have learned not to fear tomorrow. I must always remember this.

Carpe Diem. Seize the day.

Stalker - Canon EOS Rebel XTi with 35mm f/3.5 at 100 ISO

A most Happy 20th Birthday to University of Oregon’s favorite Malaysian, Adelle Pushparatnam.

I am learning to stand on my own and know who I am without needing external sources. I am learning to trust my friends even if they aren’t always showing their best side. I am learning not to doubt things and jump to conclusions quickly.

I’ve realized that my confidence tends to come from external inputs. As in, I feel good when I get compliments and praises, but those soon wear off. And I forget about the meaning behind those compliments, and begin to wonder whether they still hold true.

The same thing goes for my friendships…even the best of friends can shake me when they do something that causes me to doubt them. Even if it is just one little thing that happens to be a coincidence and is not supposed to be a reflection of our friendship.

So I am trying be stronger myself, without need of constant reassurance from others. And I am trying to believe in my friends more, even in times of quietness and doubt.

Power Lines - Canon EOS Rebel XTi with 35mm f/3.5 at 100 ISO

Home is wherever we are

If there’s love there, too

- Jack Johnson, Home

We’re back. What an epic week.

2000 miles. Up and down California. 5 people. In-N-Out 3 times. Bubble Tea. Sunburns. Gas. Lots of it. Food. Food. Food. Palm trees. The same songs on my iPod…over…and over…and over…

I’ve been home and alone for no more than 30 minutes, and I already miss you guys.

Random thought: I am so ready for one day when the SHTF.

I won’t be on here for a week. Going on a roadtrip to California, but I’ll make sure to post pictures when I get back.

Have a good break, dear readers.