Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

I think I’m addicted to online shopping. I can’t stop buying things. Good thing I’m still saving money.

Who knew that 3-week old rotten food smelled like bleach?

I feel like the frayed end of a rope. One more day of school. I’ve been going strong all year, and I think I’ve found my limit, or at least the point when I start to lose focus.

It’s funny how much a one hour conversation can reconnect friends. I sat down with a friend to discuss subletting my apartment to her, and it felt like I had finally had the conversation that I wanted to have with her since she got back last term. Friendships are never permanently lost, even if they fade for days, weeks, or even months at a time. I just have to remember to keep my mind open. And you just have to do the same.

I need the summer off to think. If all goes well, I’ll travel, write, read, and photograph.

These last three years have been amazingly transformational for me. I’m curious and excited to see how I change next.

This basically depicts what is happening to me right now:

I am not motivated. I’m losing confidence in myself, in how I deal with situations, and in how I treat people. Everywhere I look, now, it seems all I can see are people who were once close to me that now have moved on, or have found other people that they get along with better. Honestly, I feel like I’ve lost any kind of interest that I used to have. I feel boring.

This isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with this. But before, instead of looking within and trying to figure out how to change myself, I think I’ve tried to stay strong (stay the course), be more confident about myself, and not worry about the people that didn’t appreciate me or couldn’t deal with me. And I think I’ve gotten worse because I haven’t been as willing to change or adapt myself.

Or maybe, I’m just too absorbed into issues about myself, and need start caring about other people more. Either way, I need to do something about myself and my situation.

Let me paint a picture for you…

Walking on the beach, late at night, running, jumping, and laughing. The moon affords a shy glimmer on the wet sand. The ocean is vast and powerful, incessantly surging against the land. Far off, a fishing boat’s light moves towards the horizon. The waves are crashing, and rain is coming down from the sky in long streaks, soaking hair and jackets and feet.

We’re getting cold, and start to turn back…but just before we do, I pull her to me and gently kiss her, in the rain, with the ocean rumbling in the background.

Sounds like a dream, right? A perfect movie moment…

Well, it felt like a dream. I guess I am a sucker for sappy romantic moments.

Making the leap is important. It takes courage, and it is so easy to back down from. Ultimately, I don’t care if I land or fall as much as the fact that I actually jumped.

With one group of friends, my old group from last year, it feels like Fall of 2007 never happened. Because that was the term I spent with other friends, with ISA, and chasing girls. And now that we’re a little more united, and a little more in contact, it’s starting to feel a lot more like last Summer or Spring.

Strangely, though, with my newer friends and ISA, I miss Fall of 2007. This term is already shaping up differently because I’m pulling back from ISA, and other friendship dynamics have changed. I keep thinking about the carefree, seemingly less stressful atmosphere of last term.

The beginning of this term was ushered in by various deep, meaningful conversations I have had with friends. They generally centered around a topic that I’ve found hard to talk with friends about: our friendship. But I think at a certain point of closeness with a friend, it is important to have those, because ultimately it’s not always going to be fun and games. And those kind of conversations, depending on how they go, can really cement the trust in a friendship.

Last night was similar, as I finally got to sit down with someone and talk about things. Like I said earlier, nothing is ever set in stone, and anything could change tomorrow. But I felt better having some things cleared up. And I’ve decided not to trip over whatever happens.

And that contributed to me having the best sleep last night…in a long time. I woke up this morning amazingly refreshed and awake. I feel like the last three days have been hallucinations. I’ve been trying to get used to my weird class schedule, on top of all the stuff I’m doing for Telling, and being pre-occupied with all this girl stuff. Almost like Fight Club.

So after that weird three days of being sort of misaligned, I’m back, rested, and ready to rock!

Bicycle - Canon EOS Rebel XTi with 50mm f/2.0 at 400 ISO

The simple things that made me smile today:

Emails - getting them done

Cooking - love making food

Cleaning - that refreshed, satisfied feeling after I’m done

Talking - spilling my guts, talking about difficult things, and finding out that the other person is still listening

Hugs - putting my arms around someone and remembering how they fit

Pinches - yelping in pain and pinching back

Have a good first day at school, tomorrow. I’m ready for it.

Power lines - Canon EOS Rebel XTi with 35mm f/8.0 at 400 ISO

To continue what I wrote about in my last post…my relationships with people have become stronger. I am less fearful about how they will develop. I am better at caring about people and learning how to tell who true friends are. And I’ve finally begun to face the past of relationships gone bad that have haunted me for a few years. I’m finally beginning to be ok to be close to people. I’ve also had a couple glasses of wine…so whatever I say here may be a little more than you ever needed to know.

Hmm…the wine’s getting to me a bit.

This is not to say that they are perfect, nor will they ever be. Even as I write this, I am not in the best of mentalities about friends. I am in a moment of doubt about some of my friends, not sure if they are the friends I thought them to be, or if I was living in my own illusions about them. One thing is for sure…what was the norm last term will not stay. I’m scared of what next term will bring. I’m nervous. I don’t think it is a bad thing to be nervous about connections and relationships with people. Ultimately, I know that whatever happens, life goes on. And instead of regretting, I will know that whatever I decided at the time was right for me, at that time.

Yeah, the wine’s definitely got me a bit here. But it’s the truth. And by no means does this mean that I am not going to seek meaningful relationships and connections with people…

My look on life and the world is a paradox. I am deeply pessimistic about society and humankind as a collective. I’ve more and more realized how many problems we create for ourselves. Thinking about it all the time gets depressing.
However, on the flip side, I am very optimistic about human nature on an individual level. I trust people, for the most part, on a person-to-person basis, and I think that individually, humans are caring, compassionate, and wonderful creatures.

Likewise, my life is kind of like that right now. On the grand scale, life is a constant struggle. There are always things needing to be done, lessons needing to be learned, people needing to be met, and words needing to be said. Contentment and happiness have their place, but too much often leads to complacency, which inevitably lead to worse unhappiness as an aftermath. Life is uncertain, dark at times, scary, and complex.
In that uncertainty, complexity, and struggling, however, life is amazing. On a specific level, the family and friends that have been in my life, came, gone, and are still here, have been nothing but wonderful. Knowing some of the people that I do now makes me truly happy. Just thinking of a few makes me smile. Those types of people are hard to come by in life.

I’ve often lamented losing friends, and friends fading away. This has come up so many times here, but a recent blog post by Mon reminded me of this: it seems like every month, every term, and every year, I have lost or changed friends, or become distant with ones that used to be close. In the past, it was an extraordinarily sensitive subject for me. I started wondering what was wrong with me. I honestly felt like there was an aspect of my character or personality that prevented me from having friends for longer than a few months.

But in retrospect, I see now that every time I changed friends, it was for the better in the long run. I learned something from that friendship, had some great times, but ultimately moved on because of growth in one form or another. And every friendship that I have made subsequently has been closer than the one before, and much more meaningful.

This article was on Digg this morning, as I did some last minute studying procrastination for Arabic. I now have 47 minutes.

Anyways, the article is about ‘living life consciously’. As in, being aware about one’s life and the people around oneself. Some of things they outline, well, I already do. To me, they came innately. I think it’s good that others are realizing the importance of conscious living. I am surprised sometimes at how oblivious some people are about simple things about their lives.

Conversely, I feel that my sensitivity and consciousness about my life and my relationships with people is too much at times. I’m getting better about not taking things personally and looking at every little thing as a measure of my relationship with a person. Being oblivious to some things isn’t so bad, sometimes…hehe…

As I’ve lived my life and become more aware of myself and my relationships with others, I’ve realized that I am a fighter. I used to try to be nice all the time, and I had a hard time saying no. As I’ve grown, I feel like I’ve become more sure of myself, and I’m able to hold my own more and more. My penchant for fighting and arguing has put me in tough spots before, and slowly I’m learning tact. But even without tact, I think the tenacity and strength are better to have. Personally, I feel that it is better to maintain one’s integrity at the risk of alienating people and pushing them away, in a general sense.

But one thing I also have realized is that not every battle has to be won. And especially with relationships and people, fighting shouldn’t be about winning, if the end goal is understanding. I used to fight to win when arguing with my parents or friends, and I have hurt many people that way. I’ve realized that admitting the other person is right does not necessarily mean that I am wrong. Saying sorry doesn’t necessarily mean that I did anything wrong, it just acknowledges that other person is hurt.

Fights are inevitable when it comes to people. As one gets to know one another, there will always be rough spots and disagreements and arguments. The difference is why and how one fights. The difference is whether one is fighting to win, no matter what, or if one is fighting to understand and connect.

This just came out of nowhere, but it seems so true, especially the last part.

“In talking with people throughout my life, I’ve started to come to the conclusion that relationships die because couples stop sharing themselves with each other. They stop being honest for whatever reason, and it’s only downhill from there. Relationships live on respect, honesty, and care for one another, and *all three* of those are necessary for a healthy relationship.”

What do you think?

I’ve been thinking about relationships a lot recently, if you haven’t noticed. Of course, it’s all for no particular reason ~_^.

And so I’ve been looking up old crushes, pseudo-relationships, girls I really fell for, and anyone else that I had liked in the past. Facebook does wonders

One of the girls that is still prevalent in my memory is the girl from Berkeley. I hope this doesn’t come off as creepy if she runs across this blog. Thinking back on the time that I met her and the days and weeks that followed…wow…I was really into her. And from what I remember, she was really into me, too. But I know that it has been easy for me to interpret things how I want to see them, especially when it comes to liking girls. What may have been a moderate interest on her part was seen by me as a full-on liking…if that makes sense.

I was really naive back then, and for me, relationships and crushes were black and white. Frankly, it very well have worked out better than it did, and the more I think back on that time, the more I realized that I came on too strong and was wayyyyyy too intense about it. And then she asked me once ‘What are we?’ and I gave her an indecisive answer. I scared her away and pushed for too much. And then all of sudden, I wasn’t strong enough to even step up and address her concerns.

I suppose what I am getting at is finally being ok with the mistakes I made. And apologizing to her for pushing too much and pushing her away. Chances are, she’ll never see this apology. But it allows me to move on.

Girls. In my limited experience with them in the past few years, I’ve learned this much…

They always smell nice. And not like ‘ISA Office Air Freshener’ nice. It’s the perfect balance that isn’t too strong or overbearing, but enough to make me notice.

They always seem to have the perfect hug.

Their smiles can always make me feel better.

I wish I understood them better. But that would kind of take the fun out of everything.

Developing relationships with them are so much easier when I’m ok with myself, a little more relaxed, and not so expectant of anything. Taking things as they go is key.

Relationships are scary. I’m afraid of them. I’m afraid of myself. My self-confidence falters too quickly after it is attained.