The ISA Retreat was…good, intense, productive, fun, and causal. Here’s a few one-liners that are more inside jokes than anything:
Australia…is not an animal
Is that Trident Tropical Fruit gum?
Let’s go for a walk on the beach
Starbucks
I snapped over 400 photos…and am not looking forward to sifting through them.
Jetlag
Long drives, long talks, and standing up for personal integrity
With one group of friends, my old group from last year, it feels like Fall of 2007 never happened. Because that was the term I spent with other friends, with ISA, and chasing girls. And now that we’re a little more united, and a little more in contact, it’s starting to feel a lot more like last Summer or Spring.
Strangely, though, with my newer friends and ISA, I miss Fall of 2007. This term is already shaping up differently because I’m pulling back from ISA, and other friendship dynamics have changed. I keep thinking about the carefree, seemingly less stressful atmosphere of last term.
Damn, I feel all jacked up.
Well, I did, a few hours ago. Breakfast at Studio One Cafe was amazing for recovery. We spent most of the time re-piecing the previous night’s activities. This last weekend was really fun, but a reminder of why I don’t party so much. This morning I wasn’t sure if I was happy or sad, and I seemed to be swinging back and forth in my moods. The recap from last night was embarrassing…seems like I did some ridiculous stuff. The worst feeling is regret from being completely obnoxious to other people. Mixed with the fun that was had and the dread of obligations coming up soon…well, it definitely makes for an interesting combination of emotions.
I have so many thoughts floating around my head right now, but I can’t seem to get any of them straightened out.
The path of personal development that I am taking is really working out. I’m very conscious about my conduct, my thoughts, and how I am. But I am also being better at being ok with myself, which has been a problem for me in the past. And I am working on being more relaxed, and I think it’s starting to work. The bottom line is that I am aware and taking things into my own hands and shaping my experience and existence for myself.
My mind’s been taking me on a crazy trip today. All day, I’ve been questioning whether I can take the workload of the term. 4 classes, 2 officer positions, 10 hours of work a week, plus being the fundraising head of the True project. It’s like stressing out over nothing and everything. But I know that on the operational side, when it comes to school and work and volunteer, I can handle it. I always do. What bugs me more is the social side of things.
I’m really at a questioning state with friends. One question is…which friendships are really worth fighting for? Am I going to be able to balance time between different groups? And what is that nagging feeling that I am losing the connection with some of them?
What’s been more occupying is not the external issues with friends, but how I treat them and how I think of them. I think I take too much initiative and am too forward. Friends get used to me calling all the time, and it makes me easy to forget. I know this firsthand, now, because I’m experiencing the same thing, except from the other perspective. What I need to do now is pull back a bit.
So I spent all day thinking back and forth about this issue, about how to conduct friendship, so to speak. It’s weird that I’m looking at it with such a methodical approach, but that’s my panic azimuth. I attribute it to never having quite the right social skills because of my homeschooling background. So when I got nothing else to go on, I rely on logic and method to help me through.
What a shitty day. I wake up early and tired to go zero David’s 22 rifle. After finishing that, we headed back to campus for a lame customer service training session for library employees. Give me a break, I’ve been working at the library for the last two years, I don’t need any service training. Afterwards, we were supposed to go shooting with Lily and See, but they flaked on us since they had to clean their apartment. I suppose everyone’s been getting ready for school, so I haven’t seen them much. But I feel like my efforts to see them have been rebuffed, too. And so this added to the disappointment.
Then I realized I can’t go to the football game this weekend because of the performance training for the VFSA production, True. I know I’m just bitching about a game, and I’m putting so much of my time and energy into the project that I can’t afford to skip the class just for a football game…but I really wanted to go.
On top of that all, I’m feeling impending doom of classes tomorrow. I’m behind on my fundraising work for True, and I’m absolutely terrified that I’m overwhelming myself this term. I feel like I’m having to balance 2 groups of friends, 4 classes, 2 different student organizations, and somehow manage to enjoy it all. When I talked with my parents the other day about friends, they said I try to handle friends too much like a business…that I shouldn’t be feeling like friendship requires effort. But the problem is, if I don’t make an effort to see friends, my work will take up my life easily.
Hopefully I’ll be able to get in the groove of things soon.
There are some people that, wherever they go, seem to make things work. The first in my mind is Kane, my big brother, who made the VFSA what it is now, motivated me to join in, and brought together the services of the University for the sake of the organization. The second is Remi, who I know has made an enormous spearhead for ISA. Last year, ISA really defined itself as a strong organization in campus, and most ISA officers attribute it to her.
I want to be someone like that. Someone that has been the cornerstone to making something great. But what I’ve realized is that that is the wrong motivation for making things happen. It’s not the aspiration to be known as important that drives these people. It’s something more. And that’s something that I want to discover deep within. For the time being, I’ll use what I have, and fake it when I don’t have it.
Today was definitely the bang that precedes a long-lasting explosion that will describe my next year at the University. It began when I helped ISA move a lot of their stuff from storage to their new office. After that, I passed out the Commentator with some of the staff for an hour, which was great. Notable recipients include Stefanie Loh, The UO Duck, and President Frohnmayer. Then I went to practice dance with Nan (whom, together with, placed 2nd and 3rd in a dance competition last night). After that, I talked to Army ROTC and told them, once and for all, that I am not contracting with them. Coffee Hour was next, and then an officers’ meeting for the VFSA. And now I’m at home watching my siblings.
I’ve realized over this summer that I am very ambitious and driven. Although sometimes I hit low points in my moods (who doesn’t?) I am high-energy, especially when it comes to new organizations, tasks, and involvement. I’ve adopted myself into ISA, essentially, by befriending almost all the officers and going to the events. I’m going to apply for a position in ISA.
In contrast, I’ve been disappointed and unmotivated with the VFSA. I seem to have lost the fire that I had last spring term…I suppose the lull of summer killed it off, somewhat. I wonder what happened to my initiative. I’m staying focused on the production, however, and I see that as my contribution to the group for the next term or so. Frankly, I think the higher leadership could be giving more direction, too.
But this questioning of myself, the loss of motivation and lack of dedication, and the rekindling of motivation by a new source, got my thinking. As always. It seems like I am easily fired up, but that fire can be lost quickly. My hope is that the fire isn’t actually dying, but just smoldering embers for the time being.
What I started wondering is…what drives me? What keeps me going? What gives me energy and motivation? Is it the desire to ‘do the right thing’? To ‘help people’? Sometimes I think it might be in the search of approval from others, but I would think that I am confident in myself enough to be past that. I think it’s the need and want to feel important. And to be in high-exposure, for people to see me, know who I am, and ask me what to do. In essence, the striving for recognition of leadership. And the desire to make an impact wherever I go and whatever I do.
