Things I am looking forward to in the next couple weeks:
Seeing friends more (*AHEM* CALL ME)
Being able to talk on the phone again
Getting a new phone (Online shopping…whoops)
Telling TELLING TELLING
VFSA’s budget recall
Not being a PR/Publicity Director for a long time
Having time to take photos
Having time to think, de-compress, and self-reflect
Going to Coffee Hour
Tangggalog
We hope that you will laugh. We hope that you will cry. But most of all, we hope that you will understand, and want to continue the dialogue.
With a day left before our opening performance, I find myself strangely calm. I’ve been pushing the publicity so hard that when I saw us on the cover of the Eugene Weekly today, I didn’t even freak out. I was really excited, but all this media coverage has become the norm for me now. I’ve been excited about this play for many months now, and I don’t know about you, but when I’m at a constant state of excitedness for a while, it becomes numbing. Weary, even.
The pitch that I have been giving for VFSA’s Telling began at the beginning of Fall term, when I started developing my fundraising campaign, has gotten old. It’s the same thing every time, “Dialogue this, community that, communication, understanding, blah blah.” After a while, I began to wonder whether that pitch was true or not. Well, we’ll see after tomorrow and this weekend, when the impact of it begins to take hold.
But you know, one thing I realized as we started into our performance training and rehearsals was that there was a lot more than just opening dialogue with community. As we went through our rehearsals, I saw veterans of my generation coming to grips with the stories that they had tried very hard to suppress. These were stories that no one had every asked to listen to, and sometimes stories that the veterans just did not want to talk about. In the process of developing the play, the veterans were forced to tell their stories again and again, as difficult as it was for them. And that mere re-discovery of those stories, in itself, has become a healing process for them.
And ultimately, however the show goes, words cannot describe how rewarding this project has been for me. I’ve definitely proved a lot of things to a lot of people, but most importantly, I’ve proved a lot of things to myself. Who knew that the VFSA would be such a vehicle for my growth?
With less than a week out from Telling, I’ve begun to think past it. Telling is like a stiff, broken ankle. It was a shock when I first got involved, because it started manifesting itself in my life so much. Slowly, it grew and grew and bothered me more and more. But then, after a while, I’ve become used to it. Bitching about it excitedly is probably my best description for how I feel about Telling. And when Telling is done and gone, I know that I will have to re-learn life without it, kind of like re-learning to use my ankle fully.
In pestering all my friends about Telling, they’ve slowly become excited about it, too. It makes me happy when I mention Telling and the other person says, “Oh yeah!” instead of “Huh?”, or when they ask if I’m ready for it. Lately, it’s “What are you going to do afterwards?” It’s definitely going to go by in an instant, once opening night hits. And I know I’m going to miss it, but in the way that I miss something I’m dreadfully tired of.
What will post-Telling mean?
It’ll mean that I won’t have early morning phone calls from Jon Wei in Texas.
It will mean 90% less emails per day.
It will mean no more dealing with press, printing businesses, ASUO Purchase Orders, or co-sponsors.
I won’t be wasting hours on making graphics and websites look pristine.
My phone plan won’t be maxed out anymore.
No more Telling will mean I won’t have to deal with and worry about five people being momentarily irresponsible, and then having that fuck everything up.
It will mean having my weekend back, without missing Friday evening and Saturday afternoon events.
It will also mean not having an excuse to miss those same events.
Telling being over will mean that I won’t have to listen to the same lines over and over and over again, both from myself and from others.
It will mean having time for myself, time for my friends outside the VFSA, time to write, and time to take photos.
It will mean not having something to blame for all my woes and frustration.
Never have I dedicated so much time, passion, and effort to one thing for so long.
Telling will be the culmination and product of that concentration, focus, and persistence.
This is a blog post from Mike Francis, a reporter for the Oregonian that was embedded TWICE in Iraq with a US Army unit.
http://blog.oregonlive.com/oregonatwar/2008/01/telling_a_performance_by_for_a.html
PLEASE PLEASE BLOG THIS AND GET THIS INTO THE BLOGOSPHERE.
The VFSA had its first PFC budget hearing on Friday, and it went extremely well, considering our position as a new group. I felt really good about this letter that I wrote out to the membership of the organization:
Good morning everyone,
As you probably have been hearing, we are in the process of obtaining a budget with the ASUO. We have been operating for the last two years on donations and fundraising alone, and have done a stellar job. We had our budget hearing last Friday, and we made an amazing show of force.
Over 20 people showed up and quite literally took the committee by surprise as they were reviewing our numbers. Shane and I made the presentation for our group, and demonstrated the growth and importance of a group like the VFSA, not to mention how organized and squared-away we are.
Normally, PFC rubber-stamps new groups (we’re considered a new group for budgeting purposes) with a $300 budget for the year, no questions asked. Right off the bat, we knew that we could not start that low, for it would take literally years to grow to the size that we should be. And we also knew that we deserve a lot better. And PFC knew it, because as the meeting began, they were thrown off their heels with our fundraising numbers and our exemplary participation on campus.
As an end result, they tabled the discussion for our budget while they decided what to do with us, since they didn’t have a procedure set straight. While it may not sound good, it really was the best option for us, instead of letting them come to a compromise on a number or make some haphazard decision on the spot.
We will be having another hearing on January 24th, at 9 pm. Do not worry about showing up, though, we have already made our statement. We just need to negotiate numbers with them now.
On behalf of the VFSA’s officers, I would like to thank everyone that came. The presentation would not have been complete without every one of you coming to support the VFSA. To us, we’re doing what the VFSA always does: turn heads and spearhead through the precedents. But to the ASUO and PFC, we’re a mind-blowing organization that will only continue to shine as we have.
Sincerely,
Sean Jin
VFSA Activities Coordinator
Telling Fundraising and PR Head
I wrote this for the play I will be in in February:
Telling, a piece of ‘witness theater’, is the manifestation of the experiences and stories that have been told by veterans and their families. Telling was begun with the belief and conviction that veterans, those who have sacrificed for their nation and their fellow citizens, are a distinct people that are rooted in society and humankind with extraordinary importance. The stories and experiences that the veterans of Telling have related are both timeless and very relevant to this day.
Telling is the vehicle in which these stories are told, but they are to be told by the veterans themselves. This is ‘witness theater’ in that both the participants and the audience will play witness to the development of these stories. For the veterans and their families, the experiences have shaped them into the people they are today. Not one of them has said that they regret their decision to join the military and serve. Every one of them has traced their personal strength, best moments, and closest friends to their experiences in the military. Yet, every one of them has expressed that their time in the service was marked by hardships, challenges, absurdity.
And because of that, the veterans and their families will never be able to fully return to the civilian world. It is a strange paradox that these people will never be able to enjoy the community and society that they sacrificed to protect. In their endeavors to keep the nation from being broken, they themselves were broken in one sense or another. Understanding of the veteran experience is important, yet extremely difficult. Telling is being created in the hopes of fostering this understanding and dialogue between the community and veterans.
I was approached by a seedy, smelly old man while walking down the street tonight. I thought to myself, “Oh, another bum, asking for money again.” I kept walking, trying to ignore him, and sure enough, he asked, “Can you spare 80 cents?” while holding a card out at me. The conditioned liar I’ve become, I shook my head and kept walking. I felt a tinge of guilt, as I always do when I refuse money to people that ask for it. I justify it with my own weird libertarian rationale…
Ten minutes, I walked back the same way, and the guy asked me again. This time, he mentioned ‘VA’ and held out the card again. It said “Department of Veterans’ Affairs”. The mention of ‘veteran’ instantly made me change my mind. I handed him a dollar, all that was in my wallet.
“What branch of the service were you in?”
“I was in the Marine Corps…”
“How long ago?”
“Oh…’69…”
“Wow…that was a long time ago…”
“Yeah…I’m just tryin’ to get off the street.”
“I’m sorry…I wish I could help you.”
“That’s ok, thanks. You’re a nice guy.”
“You know, I’m going into the service after college, too. Thank you for your service.”
And I shook his hand before going on my way. I must have been the first person to pay him any attention in…who knows how long. I found it saddening how…disposed of he and other veterans must have felt like. The interesting paradox is that he seemed to identify so strongly with his veteran status, even though it was almost 40 years ago. Yet it is almost certain that the military service was what broke him down into who he is now.
From talking with and working with veterans, one thing has been common: no matter how great or bad their experiences were, their service changed them permanently, and they will never be ‘normal’ again. They were broken at some level or another, and never will be fixed completely. Those that were broken in order for the nation to remain fixed. The most amazing thing is how not one veteran I have spoken to has said that he or she would take back that experience. Not one.
Today was a great day in terms of accomplishment. I finished my midterms for the rest of the term, so all I have is homework assignments and quizzes to worry about.
After finishing my Arabic midterm, I went to go meet with Dave Hubin, who is the Executive Assistant to the President (President Frohnmayer, that is) about getting the President’s Office involved with TRUE. The meeting went SO well, and Mr. Hubin was absolutely enthusiastic to help out with the production. I came away from it with a renewed sense of optimism about the project.
ISA office hours were after that, and they’re always fun. We just chat in the office, and I never get anything done. History was a really interesting lecture again, and at the end, Prof. Dracobly touched on a point that I had brought up with him personally about the draft (the idea of citizen-soldiers) and its role in a nation. Apparently, it was the left that resisted the removal of the draft in European countries. Their reasoning was that a professional military would lead to more leeway in the use of military actions by their governments.
I really have no idea what they were talking about. [/sarcasm]
I’m planning my next piece about the draft and how the lack of it is detrimental to democratic systems, society, and gender identities. Who knows where it’ll go.
Anyways, we got our midterm back, and I got 100%, which psyched me out. I got a bunch of emails sent out after class, and then we had a really interesting meeting at APASU. The discussion revolved around the ‘emasculation’ or ‘feminization’ of Asian men…I let everyone talk, and then finally at the end, I topped of the entire session with a short comment about self-pride and confidence regardless of race or other uncontrollable factors.
Finally, to top off the whole day, my special request for the banner for the VFSA’s Veterans Awareness Week went through ASUO Senate without a question asked, which was unexpected for me.
And there it is.
Oh yeah, seeing Monica was good, too. 
I freaked OUT today. No reason, really, except I realized that I’ve fallen behind on my reading for history, have a deadline coming up for the OC, and feel like I need to be more pro-active with the production fundraising.
ISA heard most of my complaining, since I was hanging out in the office when it hit me. I just felt like I was fucked. A few hours later, I reassured myself that everything would get done in its time, and I felt better. After making a few phone calls and talking to some of my team, I got re-motivated.
I like to think of myself as a confident person, but confident isn’t permanent. It falters at times, and in lieu of that, outside reassurance can do wonders.
My mind’s been taking me on a crazy trip today. All day, I’ve been questioning whether I can take the workload of the term. 4 classes, 2 officer positions, 10 hours of work a week, plus being the fundraising head of the True project. It’s like stressing out over nothing and everything. But I know that on the operational side, when it comes to school and work and volunteer, I can handle it. I always do. What bugs me more is the social side of things.
I’m really at a questioning state with friends. One question is…which friendships are really worth fighting for? Am I going to be able to balance time between different groups? And what is that nagging feeling that I am losing the connection with some of them?
What’s been more occupying is not the external issues with friends, but how I treat them and how I think of them. I think I take too much initiative and am too forward. Friends get used to me calling all the time, and it makes me easy to forget. I know this firsthand, now, because I’m experiencing the same thing, except from the other perspective. What I need to do now is pull back a bit.
So I spent all day thinking back and forth about this issue, about how to conduct friendship, so to speak. It’s weird that I’m looking at it with such a methodical approach, but that’s my panic azimuth. I attribute it to never having quite the right social skills because of my homeschooling background. So when I got nothing else to go on, I rely on logic and method to help me through.
What a shitty day. I wake up early and tired to go zero David’s 22 rifle. After finishing that, we headed back to campus for a lame customer service training session for library employees. Give me a break, I’ve been working at the library for the last two years, I don’t need any service training. Afterwards, we were supposed to go shooting with Lily and See, but they flaked on us since they had to clean their apartment. I suppose everyone’s been getting ready for school, so I haven’t seen them much. But I feel like my efforts to see them have been rebuffed, too. And so this added to the disappointment.
Then I realized I can’t go to the football game this weekend because of the performance training for the VFSA production, True. I know I’m just bitching about a game, and I’m putting so much of my time and energy into the project that I can’t afford to skip the class just for a football game…but I really wanted to go.
On top of that all, I’m feeling impending doom of classes tomorrow. I’m behind on my fundraising work for True, and I’m absolutely terrified that I’m overwhelming myself this term. I feel like I’m having to balance 2 groups of friends, 4 classes, 2 different student organizations, and somehow manage to enjoy it all. When I talked with my parents the other day about friends, they said I try to handle friends too much like a business…that I shouldn’t be feeling like friendship requires effort. But the problem is, if I don’t make an effort to see friends, my work will take up my life easily.
Hopefully I’ll be able to get in the groove of things soon.
There are some people that, wherever they go, seem to make things work. The first in my mind is Kane, my big brother, who made the VFSA what it is now, motivated me to join in, and brought together the services of the University for the sake of the organization. The second is Remi, who I know has made an enormous spearhead for ISA. Last year, ISA really defined itself as a strong organization in campus, and most ISA officers attribute it to her.
I want to be someone like that. Someone that has been the cornerstone to making something great. But what I’ve realized is that that is the wrong motivation for making things happen. It’s not the aspiration to be known as important that drives these people. It’s something more. And that’s something that I want to discover deep within. For the time being, I’ll use what I have, and fake it when I don’t have it.
Today was definitely the bang that precedes a long-lasting explosion that will describe my next year at the University. It began when I helped ISA move a lot of their stuff from storage to their new office. After that, I passed out the Commentator with some of the staff for an hour, which was great. Notable recipients include Stefanie Loh, The UO Duck, and President Frohnmayer. Then I went to practice dance with Nan (whom, together with, placed 2nd and 3rd in a dance competition last night). After that, I talked to Army ROTC and told them, once and for all, that I am not contracting with them. Coffee Hour was next, and then an officers’ meeting for the VFSA. And now I’m at home watching my siblings.
I’ve realized over this summer that I am very ambitious and driven. Although sometimes I hit low points in my moods (who doesn’t?) I am high-energy, especially when it comes to new organizations, tasks, and involvement. I’ve adopted myself into ISA, essentially, by befriending almost all the officers and going to the events. I’m going to apply for a position in ISA.
In contrast, I’ve been disappointed and unmotivated with the VFSA. I seem to have lost the fire that I had last spring term…I suppose the lull of summer killed it off, somewhat. I wonder what happened to my initiative. I’m staying focused on the production, however, and I see that as my contribution to the group for the next term or so. Frankly, I think the higher leadership could be giving more direction, too.
But this questioning of myself, the loss of motivation and lack of dedication, and the rekindling of motivation by a new source, got my thinking. As always. It seems like I am easily fired up, but that fire can be lost quickly. My hope is that the fire isn’t actually dying, but just smoldering embers for the time being.
What I started wondering is…what drives me? What keeps me going? What gives me energy and motivation? Is it the desire to ‘do the right thing’? To ‘help people’? Sometimes I think it might be in the search of approval from others, but I would think that I am confident in myself enough to be past that. I think it’s the need and want to feel important. And to be in high-exposure, for people to see me, know who I am, and ask me what to do. In essence, the striving for recognition of leadership. And the desire to make an impact wherever I go and whatever I do.
I finally finished and turned in my paper yesterday. I thought I would be hit with a wave of relief…not quite. No matter how much I do, there is always something more to do.
My medical is in the process of being cleared. Hopefully they’ll OK it soon, and then I can finally swear in and be accepted into the BDCP.
VFSA is still chugging along, but I haven’t heard much from their side. I’m not going to be as pro-active in that area for now. The leadership hasn’t given much direction, so I’m just going to do what I need to do, and let them call me when needed.
I can’t wait to move into my new apartment, do ISO, and then start up the school year.
